Time Management vs. Wife

Hey hey Matt!

I've definitely had these conversations with my own wife and can relate to some of the thoughts and feelings you're experiencing.

So I'll try to share from my experience and hopefully you can take away stuff that will help you and your wife find balance.

I've found my wife to be the biggest support of my endeavors but it hasn't always been like this. It has definitely taken a lot of time and conversations to find a way to make it work for all of us.

From what you've shared I can see you're definitely trying to be there for your wife and her requests. I'm curious, when you do hang out or go on dates with her, do you talk about your side projects, are you there in the moment or is your mind thinking about the projects?

One of the things that I had to learn was how to share my passions and endeavors that works for her. Meaning she knew I cared about my projects, but she didn't care about them the way that I did. So I would share things that were interesting to her. Non-tech stuff like testimonials or if I made a sale. If you're taking your wife out and it was some money from the side project you're working on, tell her that. No matter the amount. "Hey babe, this popcorn is thanks to my X app."

Another thing that I learned was it's not about the time management and spending a ton of time with my wife. But it was about spending quality time with her in a way where she felt that I gave her the attention she needed and loved her the way that she was receptive to.

For my wife, I've learned her love language is quality time and physical touch. Meaning that showering her with gifts and taking her out to fancy restaurants was appreciated and flattering but she felt more loved when we just hung out at home, having conversations about our lives or snuggling up on the couch and watching a romantic comedy movie. In learning to speak her love language I found out that it yielded in her wanting to give me time for my projects and speaking my love language which is words of affirmation. Saying encouraging things as I work on my projects.

There were many times before where I had told my wife the same, that if it'd make her happy, then I'd give up side projects. But we quickly found out that then I'd be unhappy. So we had to talk through compromises and ways to make things work where it worked for both of us.

When you're having conversations with your wife, what sort of tone are you using? Are you understanding of her concerns or are you protective of having your side projects taken away from you? I found that in the past that I was using the wrong tone. When I shared with my wife that making projects and working towards actual businesses, that it's part of who I am and that I cannot separate the two. But in a calm tone and letting her know that although important that she's more important to me than them. She was more receptive to hear me out and encourage me.

Again these weren't overnight fixes. It was a lot of conversations, conflicts and learning to make it work for each other. We're still learning, as we've got kids now. But as long as your wife knows that you prioritize your family before side projects, hopefully the support will come easier.

Hope this helps Matt.

Matt, it's hard to get the whole picture from just the post you wrote, but I've noticed few things which I would like to bring to your attention.

I'm a coach, and I've being learning to ask questions for several years now and I teach other people to ask questions and, honestly, this thing

I asked her, "Would you prefer me to play video games all day? Or do something productive with my time?"

is not a 'question.' Meaning, if you want to hear what she is thinking you do not want to use that kind of language. It's just a verbal attack which syntactically disguised as a question. If you want to have her honest response, closed leading questions like this won't help.

And also these sentences

"To me, this is all part of quality time, but I guess not for her."

"I feel she wishes I would stop coding completely, and just devote my time to her"

Looking at how you word those sentences, what you describe are assumptions.

You need to have a way to find out what she wants. For example, it might be something like:

"Honey, I really want to satisfy your need to have a quality time with me. I've tried that by doing such and such. I feel like I'm doing my best, but it looks like it doesn't really works for you. Can you help me find what I can do differently so that we spend our time in a way that make you happy"

Something like this will show that you are willing to listen rather than just giving her two alternative, both of which she doesn't like.

I really hope it helps.

Let me preface this by saying I'm no relationship expert.

Not sure if its just me, but one of the biggest complaints from my wife is my time management, that I don't spend enough quality time with her.

There are a few things here I'd unpick and think you should talk to your wife about separately...

• What does she disapprove of with your time management? How does it make her feel (and why)?

• Quality time is always tricky. Does your wife feel like it's the time or the quality component which is lacking (or both)?

• Is there something bigger at stake/does she have a bigger worry which is manifesting itself as this complaint?

But I feel she wishes I would stop coding completely, and just devote my time to her -- though she'd likely never admit this, because even she can only tolerate me for a short time, despite the fact that I have told her I'd give it up for a few months and pay attention solely to her. (emphasis my own)

Without knowing either of you, this part feels like a problem/insecurity you are harbouring personally, not a relationship issue as such. Again - I'm operating on very little information here, so I could be way off base. If I'm on the mark however, it might be worth thinking about how this issue affects your relationship.

I'm sure I used to be more passionate and giving of quality time, but I think I've just been very focused the past few years.

It's a real challenge to find the time to do side projects, stay healthy and maintain a successful relationship. A few suggestions:

• Start by changing the conversation from I'm willing to give up X for you to something more positive/proactive like I want to spend more time together so I'm going to do less of X.

• Ask the questions I wrote above, but again do so proactively.

• Take the initiative and follow through. Be spontaneous and show your enthusiasm for the time you spend together (for example by planning a different kind of date to your weekly cinema night). Actions speak louder than words.

Good luck!

My wife is not like that at all cos she has her own things that she works on. I guess if you don't have something to work towards that fulfills you and makes you happy then you look to your partner to try and be that thing for you. Then she sees you have a thing that you love to do and it fulfills you and that dynamic is doing something to her emotionally.

Tough spot to be in. I couldn't be in a relationship like that I'm just way to selfish and focused on my dreams. I'm like you in that if I have some time together on the weekend and go out every so often that's enough to cover that need. Everyones different though and eventually incompatibilities can drive people apart, so it's important to really deal with these things.

Maybe try talking to a professional? I've always found the difference stunning at the impact they've been able to make when I had something I couldn't sort out on my own.

Hope you can have a real conversation about it and get to a solution that you both are happy with.

I think it's also important to acknowledge that folks like us can be quite self-centered. And it takes a bit of extra-effort to place some focus on others, and most significantly, our significant others.

What about her dreams? Or better yet, do you both have a collective dream that you aspire towards together?

I haven't seen it mentioned, so let me be the first to say it: go to marriage counseling together.

My wife and I have seen a counselor off on and on the entire time we've been together, and it has been crucial to our happiness and "success" as a couple.

There's tons of negative stigma attached to counseling/therapy, and it's all bullshit. Complete and utter bullshit. Seeking counseling doesn't mean you're a failure, it means you care about your partner and your relationship, and want it to thrive.

Your wife doesn't want you to give up on your dreams - she wants to feel connected with you. Going to the movies and watching shows is not necessarily time "connecting," as you're looking at a screen, and not making eye contact, or listening to one another. It's very passively spending time together.

It has been suggested here, but I do recommend reading up on love languages, and would be worth asking her in what ways she'd like to connect.

I'm guessing she doesn't feel noticed, seen or heard. She may not be noticing you getting excited about whats happening in her life. I can almost guarantee you that if your wife felt connected with you, she'd be totally fine with you doing all of your other hobbies and interests.

Often, a little bit of "the right kind" of time spent together goes a long way. She's not looking for full-time attention, but you've got to be willing to find out what she is looking for.

It might be more conversation. More intimacy. More eye contact. More non-screen activities together. Do the work to find out what it is so you can re-connect and not have resentment build up between the two of you.

The ultimatum you gave her gave her nothing she was asking for. It was, THIS thing that I want, or THIS OTHER thing that I want - neither of which is solving the problem that she's not getting the connection from you that she's thinking.

Also, one of the best resources i've ever consumed with regards to relationships is Your Brain on Love - an audio book by Stan Tatkin.

It helped me realize that for me personally, even a simple shoulder squeeze, a kiss and hug, or a 5 minute conversation in the morning can seriously change the vibe of the entire day. Small ongoing moments of connection are sometimes all it takes.

Hey Matt, @csallen actually just went out of his way to send me this thread thinking that I would find it interesting... and he was right!

If you and your wife haven't already spent some time talking about your Love Languages are, it's a great place to start. It's possible that your wife has other love languages that if you were more aware of, you'd focus more attention there instead of it being all about quality time. It's also possible that you choosing different activities to do together will meet her needs better (ie. cooking a meal together or going on a 1-hour hike every weekend might satisfy her better than watching TV on the weekends together).

The reason why this all speaks to me so much is that I have definitely been on both sides. I've complained about my boyfriend not paying me enough attention every day. He said he'd be done w/ work and meet me at 6pm, and I'm literally waiting and waiting and waiting until he shows up at 6:28pm. I am livid. I'm hurt. I'm frustrated. I don't see how we'll stay together much longer.

I've also been the workaholic and have been told by boyfriends of my past that I'm too focused on my career.

Having been on both sides, I think what's most important is that both people set clear expectations for one another together, and understand where each person needs energy and time to be devoted (ie. love languages).

As the needy girlfriend... I really just needed to find another hobby of my own and not put so much pressure on my boyfriend to entertain me. I can entertain myself, but I guess sometimes I forget that. I also needed to stop spending so much time trying to do nice, thoughtful things for him that he wasn't going to appreciate. I'd end up resenting him for being so ungrateful and started keeping score in my mind, which of course he was always falling short on. In reality, I was spending time and energy trying to be nice (ie. doing and folding his laundry) when those were things he never asked me to do and wasn't especially important to him.

As the workaholic... I really needed to be more mindful of my promises and stop making ones I couldn't keep. I don't particularly like standing in line to eat brunch for 2 hours, so I had to stop committing to things like that. The quality time I was spending w/ boyfriends started feeling like chores to me, and then no one wins.

My current boyfriend and I both work a lot. We find ways to cowork and have picked up hobbies that we can do together. We've also found ways to spend time together even though we're not actually talking. For example, he'll be watching YouTube videos of people playing Hearthstone (don't get me started... 😂) while I cook in the kitchen. We don't necessarily need to be doing the same thing to feel like we're hanging out. I've made it abundantly clear that he shouldn't buy me flower or get me gifts (I don't appreciate these things) and he knows that acts of service are the way to my heart.

Sorry for rambling, but I'm confident you and your wife will figure it out!! Good luck.

I think it is a great you realise it, that shows you have empathy!

I do not think your wife wants you to stop coding altogether, a wife is not the devil (I hope :D). I think the key is to spend more time with her, and then see how it goes. Just experiment it, see if things go better and if she allows you to spend more time coding after you spend time with her.

Remember "People aren't against you, they are for themselves"

Remember that happy wife = happy life

Referencing the Love Languages as many others have, I'm a "Words of Affirmation" and my wife is "Quality Time." We had some really significant struggles in the earlier part of our marriage because of my side projects, and the issues stemmed to a few core reasons:

1. No set expectations. We currently plan our week out ahead of time, so I know when we have a planned event, and she knows when I'm working on my stuff. This has been crucial for us.

2. Definition of Quality Time. It's not so much about the amount of time, it's about the quality piece. For her, it's very easy to tell when my head is somewhere else. If that's true, it's not quality time. It's easy to tell when someone is physically present, but not emotionally or mentally. Once I got a solid understanding of what quality time meant to her, it was easy to fix this.

3. Focus. I'd have a trillion different things I was flailing about, and no focus to my work. I'd chase any new ideas, never finish anything, etc. It was frustrating for her to watch me spend my time being annoyed without a sense of progress, AND I was choosing to do that instead of spend time with her! Narrowing down and focusing helps, because it showed that I was actually using the time wisely.

It took some doing, but we're waaaaaaay better now than we were a few years ago. Looking back, it's silly. There isn't a side project I've ever touched that's more important than my wife. Instead of positioning it as "my needs/wants vs hers," approaching it as a puzzle to solve made the difference.

You’re in a lucky position: you have a wife who is tolerant of excess work and is willing to be frank about how it affects your relationship. Many people will simmer with that and grow resentful out of silence.

Try to dive deep into what things feel like from her end and empathize with her. You haven’t written much about her or how her time is spent so there isn’t enough context to make comments on that.

Now, random people on the internet won’t heal this wound for you but I can share what helped me in a similar situation (working so much my wife had to tell me to set boundaries):

• Ask for specific examples of when she feels that way. For me it was checking in on Slack or reading and researching work-related content when we were having “quality time”.

• Put time into planning out “just because” surprises (gifts, dates, letters, whatever she is romanced by). Luckily this isn’t any harder than planning a product roadmap and is much more useful and reusable than most code you’ll ever write.

• Make sure sex is satisfying enough for both of you. Make sure her needs are being met before your own (as a rule of life). Lack of sex or lackluster sex is sometimes the real reason behind a partner’s dissatisfaction

In any case, good luck and good for you for finding balance in your life. I wish you the best.

@louisswiss gave a good answer. I can add a few more practical examples of what I have done:

• I set time in my calendar for my wife. Currently this is one evening in the week and a full day on the weekend. That is our fully attentive time together which takes precedence over anything else that comes up. If there is a rare occasion where one of us needs to change we reschedule.

• We communicate explicitly. No second guessing why one person said one thing and the other another etc

• This one is new to us but we are trying a few projects together leveraging both our skills (she is an artist and great at making physical things in general and I can do technical marketing so there is a good match).

Wow, like reading my thoughts and situation... haven't found the balance yet, I hope the balance will return to me after making the side projects to be my full-time job and make more time to just "chill and have fun"! :]

Hahaha... Guess this is the longest thread so far. Was intrigued earlier to ask this perennial question.

I work on my side projects after office hours, so it was more disturbing for her. She was yet so understanding, that she would sleep next to my desk just to be together. For we guys, being under one roof, (...or even one sky ) means together.

So to give her more time, which she deserves, I disciplined myself every day.

I do a majority of my reading during my work commute. The first thing I do is prepare a to-do for the evening. Yes. Evening. I use www.nowdothis.com which has everything I need to do. Tweaks, feature, meditation, replies, even any housework I do. I cook simple dinner at times.

I just strictly follow that. I interact with her when I take breaks.

Though she does not, I have asked her to disturb me when need be.

I have noticed I finish my work productively and find time for her.

I almost say yes to any plan she makes.

The complaints have largely reduced.

I agree with @lowebenji, happy wife = happy life

My productivity & creativity has increased.

Not that it helped, but I built a music web app for her www.musicjolly.com

She always knew that building/learning keeps me alive.

We also need to understand that women are emotional. I hug her like there is no tomorrow.

Love you, Jo. ( No. She is not on this forum. :-P )

I feel your pain. I'm in the same boat...love languages and all. If you figure it out, you'll have a great business opportunity because you'll be solving a huge problem for a lot of people.

"Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them." - Alexandre Dumas

From reading this thread, I think there are a lot of good solutions from really smart people. I'm going to leave this video here titled "Kevin O'Leary Gets Honest About the Personal Sacrifices Successful People Must Make".

I don't think you should follow the advice from the story he tells, but I think there are many entrepreneurs in your position and maybe it'll help you and your wife adjust your perspectives a bit better.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw7HSPsXWE

Not sure if its just me, but one of the biggest complaints from my wife is my time management, that I don't spend enough quality time with her.

No bro, it's not only you but this is a universal issue faced by developers ( any startup please to solve it?). Things which I did which worked partially are:

• I stopped working from home, it was the worst thing ever happened that ruined my relationship pretty much. As soon as I got enough money I got a co-sharing space and started working from there, it helped a lot since I had a specific time to stay out of home, my wife got enough space to do her own things and wait for me in evenings.

• Tell her your working hours. This will help to draw the line between work and personal life.

• Usually "quality time" means to listen her, love her and be there both physically and mentally. I know it's difficult, specially if some logic is not clear or code has bugs but hey, do give it a try :-)

• MOst of us programmers are introverts, wives expect us to come up with some topic which we can't, so better ask her daily routine or what new is she planning.

• Last but not least, NEVER EVER discuss your work issue or things with wife.

Good luck!

Other people have already mentioned the Love Languages, book, which many people find helpful. I also strongly suggest the Gottman Institute's work.

I asked her, "Would you prefer me to play video games all day? Or do something productive with my time?"

I'm not surprised that she wouldn't answer. You issued an ultimatum that you were going to either do what you're doing or play video games with that time instead.

Think about the course of your day. When you come home from your job, what do you do? Do you go straight to your computer and start coding? Do you stop, focus on her, ask her about her day, and listen and connect?

One of the important things I've learned, and that I'm still working on, from having small children is that when a loved one comes to you needing to connect, you stop, abandon that mental state in your head or sense of flow, and engage with them. Not look at them and interact as little as possible before getting back to work. Fully engage. If it's happening too often and making you unproductive, that's a different discussion, but when someone close to you makes a bid for your attention, respond.

Everything everyone else has said plus this:

You and your wife have no shared goals. There is no reason for her to buy into what you are doing.

And what are you doing? Do you have a goal? A plan to serve that goal? A part for your wife to play in that goal and in that plan?

A part for your wife to play that you have actually agreed with her rather than imposed on her?

Everything in your post says "This is my dream and oh, by the way, I have a wife as well, don't you know?"

Yes we do know. And I think, in her heart of hearts, so does she. And, quite rightly, she resents it.

So: the dream needs to be a shared vision of your joint future and your wife must have a valid part to play in that vision.

I cannot tell you how to go about accomplishing that goal because I don't know you or your wife ... but a first step might be to tell her you want to listen to her, without interruption or comment, and then take away what she says and understand - really understand - what she is trying to tell you.

I can promise you that you will not enjoy what you hear. You will go away with a long list of your relationship failings. Women are not made the same way as men and their priorities are not the same as male priorities. This will become painfully clear to you.

Your next step is to tell her what you are trying to achieve and why. Then it is crunch time. She will either be with you and you can work together to separate work time (including project time) from personal time or you really need to consider whether your relationship or your dreams matter most to you.

Final piece of advice (learned the hard way). Assuming you both decide to make a go of your dreams, you have not resolved or fixed the problem.

Without wishing to sound insulting, you need to think of your relationship like a commercial airliner. It takes a tremendous amount of routine maintenance and an awful lot of "deep maintenance" to keep your plane flying. A dab of oil here and there from time to time simply is not enough.

I'd prefer sitting down and discussing the situation with a rule to answer all of the questions and do that honestly. My story is kinda same, but when I work in the evening we both know why I do that as we set our life goals together. Also I try to be with her while working, we're discussing daily stuff, I do breaks for couple of minutes to help her about the kitchen etc.