How do you rebuild your confidence when entrepreneurship gets tough?

Each week, the Indie Hackers editorial team tackles a reader’s question about the challenges of entrepreneurship. Got a question? Email Dan Marzullo at [email protected].

My family member said this to me today:

"You need to find a job. You don't know what you're doing. You have failed to compete in the job market that's why you want to start a company. You're just confused. That's why you're trying to start a business in a place with no competition. You're young and naive. You need to listen to what older people say. Basically he berated me and made me feel sooo stupid for attempting to be an entrepreneur."

I know these words shouldn't bother me but now they do. I've failed to dream. I feel so stupid. I feel like I'm way in over my head. Like why do I think I'll make this work... The truth is I've completely lost my motivation to keep dreaming and keep moving on after this conversation. I feel like I'm dumb and I don't know what I'm doing. Like My ambition is just blind. Naive.

Business wise, everything has been going okay. Getting more people to join the team and alot of customer interest.

I just don't believe in myself anymore. I feel like a fool. I feel powerless.

What did you entrepreneurs do when you encountered people who said such things to you? I want to lift my spirits up so I can start dreaming again like I can do this. To keep going. How can I keep going?

—Sherry P.

Dan's Advice:

Even if business is going well, lack of confidence and feelings of self-doubt are common among entrepreneurs. You’re not alone in this. 

So, why are you feeling this way? It may be one of these root causes.

Rigid rules and “shoulds”

“The critic has many weapons. Among the most effective are the values and rules of living you grew up with. The critic has a way of turning your ‘shoulds’ against you” (McKay and Fanning, Self-Esteem).  

As you get older, you don’t just shake off the ideas you were raised with—even if you fundamentally disagree with them. 

If you were raised in a household that endorses getting a traditional job and condemns taking risks, you may be feeling some guilt that you’re “breaking the rules” by starting your own business. 

This can in turn make you feel that you’re disappointing the people who raised you.

Susceptibility to criticism

Research shows that family relationships have a big impact on self-esteem, starting from a young age. 

Since the criticism you received about your business came from a family member—someone you’ve likely known your whole life—it’s no surprise that their commentary cuts deep. 

All social relationships, beyond family, have a big impact on how you feel about yourself. It’s natural to question your own capabilities and self-worth when others are openly criticizing you. 

Perfectionism

On top of this, you likely have high expectations for yourself and your business. Don’t get me wrong—that can be a great thing! Having goals to strive toward is good for your business. 

But here’s the issue:

If you set those expectations too high and sit with imposter syndrome at the same time, you’re never going to feel successful. Instead, you’re going to drown in that negative self-talk. 

Letting the fear of failure get to you is a quick way to stop your progress in its tracks. 

How do you combat these feelings when it seems the odds are stacked against you?

Here are 8 things you can do to help combat your inner critic (with a little help from positivepsychology.com).

Catch your critic:

Jot down any time you notice your inner critic at work. If you learn to catch your negative self-talk early, you can more objectively determine why you’re feeling this way and figure out how you can intervene and redirect those thoughts (this worksheet can help). 

Talk back to your critic:

Your inner critic might be loud, but it doesn’t have to win. When you notice negative self-talk, challenge it. Ask yourself what you’re gaining from listening to these critiques and weigh the costs to your well-being.

Re-assess your "shoulds":

Review the expectations your friends and family set for you. Challenge them. Determine what expectations may be healthy and beneficial, and what expectations may be damaging your self-esteem. 

Identify your strengths:

List your achievements, skills, and positive traits. Revisit this list often—particularly when you’re feeling down on yourself. Not sure what your strengths are? Try this exercise to find out.

Be realistic about your weaknesses:

Take a fresh look at the things you consider to be your weaknesses. Strip away any self-deprecating language so you can view these traits or tendencies with more neutrality (Use this worksheet as a guide).

Practice self-acceptance:

Accept that mistakes, failures, and self-doubts are all part of the process. Recognize that you are worthy of kindness, respect, and success, regardless of your imperfections.   

Set and review your goals:

When thinking about your business, assess whether the work you’re doing is still in line with your personal goals and core values (I wrote more on this here). 

Surround yourself with the right people:

Surrounding yourself with negative people is the quickest way to invite that inner critic back in. Seek out family, friends, coaches, and colleagues whose values align with your own. Find people who are willing (and eager) to offer support and positive guidance. 

At the end of the day, this is your business and your life—it should be up to you to decide how to build it. 

Building and maintaining self-esteem, particularly as an entrepreneur, isn’t easy. But if you embrace your strengths, challenge negative thoughts, and find a community that supports you, that journey could be a whole lot better.