A landing page anyone can roast (i.e. a consumer app), brought to you by Will Smith (sorta)

I'll leave the rapping to Will Smith and others and focus on the Value Proposition statement, which is more my forte. :)

Ok, so you have...

Do good for your body, and do good for the world
Get fit and do good for the world with FitSquad. Whenever you and your squad complete one of our thousands of challenges, we'll donate to charity on your behalf.

The first thing i would say, is that the message is quite clear - i understand the concept, which is half the battle, but there is some room for improvement with how it's communicated.

One thing that stands out straightaway, is the repetition. This is a common mistake, but rather than helping a message, it can just make it harder to read (because it's basically overcomplicating things with more words than is needed, causing the reader to stumble and interrupting flow). It also wastes valuable real estate on the page. In short, you can often say more with less.

The phrase "do good for the world" is ok, but "do good for your body". I'm not personally sure about, definitely get others opinions, but to me it doesn't sound quite right. Perhaps brainstorm and experiment with other ways to get that message across. Caveat - this may just be my personal taste, so if no one else is bothered by it, fair enough, ignore me.

Secondly, I'm not sure exactly who this is for. Ideally the target audience wants to recognise "This is for me". I appreciate the word "squad" is integral and maybe this is a common term used in the target audiences circles, in which case - fair enough, but for me, from an objective point of view - not so much. That said, it is the target audience's understanding that matters most.

The next thing that is not clear is the delivery method, is it an app? How does it work? If you can clarify that, in simple terms that would help with "Ok I understand what this is".

So, yes i get the concept, but no, i don't understand how it's delivered, how it works (process), and who exactly it's for.

I appreciate you may elaborate on this further down the page, but i make a point of not scrolling when looking at a value proposition statement, because this needs to be nailed first. When it's not (nailed), you're asking the visitor to work harder to understand your offering, and many just won't be bothered to.

Working with what you have, some very simply simplification might be...

Good for your body. Good for the world.
For every challenge completed, we donate to charity on your behalf.

Or...

Fitsquad is [WHAT or DELIVERY METHOD] That allows you to do good for your body, while doing good for the world.
For every challenge completed, we donate to a charity on your behalf.

Or...

Fitsquad is [WHAT or DELIVERY METHOD] that empowers [WHO] to do good for their bodies, while doing good for the world.
For every challenge completed, we donate to a charity on your behalf.

So, these are just quick ideas based on what you already have, there are usually numerous ways to say the same thing, and it can take some time to brainstorm these and then mix and match to find the best combination and order, but the most important thing is that it quickly connects, flows quite naturally and is understood in one reading, using as many words as are necessary but no more.

Best of luck. :)

PS: Ive got a free checklist here, relative to what you should be looking to include, that may help: https://landingpagehub.net/value-proposition-statement-guide-ffw-1-5-1/

Say something nice to ChiefRocker3…

2

I'll leave the rapping to Will Smith and others and focus on the Value Proposition statement, which is more my forte. :)

Ok, so you have...

Do good for your body, and do good for the world
Get fit and do good for the world with FitSquad. Whenever you and your squad complete one of our thousands of challenges, we'll donate to charity on your behalf.

The first thing i would say, is that the message is quite clear - i understand the concept, which is half the battle, but there is some room for improvement with how it's communicated.

One thing that stands out straightaway, is the repetition. This is a common mistake, but rather than helping a message, it can just make it harder to read (because it's basically overcomplicating things with more words than is needed, causing the reader to stumble and interrupting flow). It also wastes valuable real estate on the page. In short, you can often say more with less.

The phrase "do good for the world" is ok, but "do good for your body". I'm not personally sure about, definitely get others opinions, but to me it doesn't sound quite right. Perhaps brainstorm and experiment with other ways to get that message across. Caveat - this may just be my personal taste, so if no one else is bothered by it, fair enough, ignore me.

Secondly, I'm not sure exactly who this is for. Ideally the target audience wants to recognise "This is for me". I appreciate the word "squad" is integral and maybe this is a common term used in the target audiences circles, in which case - fair enough, but for me, from an objective point of view - not so much. That said, it is the target audience's understanding that matters most.

The next thing that is not clear is the delivery method, is it an app? How does it work? If you can clarify that, in simple terms that would help with "Ok I understand what this is".

So, yes i get the concept, but no, i don't understand how it's delivered, how it works (process), and who exactly it's for.

I appreciate you may elaborate on this further down the page, but i make a point of not scrolling when looking at a value proposition statement, because this needs to be nailed first. When it's not (nailed), you're asking the visitor to work harder to understand your offering, and many just won't be bothered to.

Working with what you have, some very simply simplification might be...

Good for your body. Good for the world.
For every challenge completed, we donate to charity on your behalf.

Or...

Fitsquad is [WHAT or DELIVERY METHOD] That allows you to do good for your body, while doing good for the world.
For every challenge completed, we donate to a charity on your behalf.

Or...

Fitsquad is [WHAT or DELIVERY METHOD] that empowers [WHO] to do good for their bodies, while doing good for the world.
For every challenge completed, we donate to a charity on your behalf.

So, these are just quick ideas based on what you already have, there are usually numerous ways to say the same thing, and it can take some time to brainstorm these and then mix and match to find the best combination and order, but the most important thing is that it quickly connects, flows quite naturally and is understood in one reading, using as many words as are necessary but no more.

Best of luck. :)

PS: Ive got a free checklist here, relative to what you should be looking to include, that may help: https://landingpagehub.net/value-proposition-statement-guide-ffw-1-5-1/

SymbioticNick

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4 years ago
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1. 1
  
  This is really helpful, thank you! I especially love how you simplified the message to one sentence.
  
  You're right: In looking at it, it's overly verbose, wordy and repetitive. I think that stems from a bit of lack of clarity in exactly who our audience is, beyond "people searching for fitness challenges" which is a core hypothesis of the business plan.
  
  Appreciate you taking the time to look and I'll check out the checklist.
  
  Adam Riggs-Zeigen
  
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  4 years ago
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  1. 2
    
    You has me at "You're right". ;) Glad it was useful.
    
    SymbioticNick
    
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    4 years ago
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1

Hey ChiefRocker3, I've left a detailed feedback for your website. You can check it out on this link -> https://app.ruttl.com/share/al94aNVKrJOfiUYYrvFq?page=mc7TPGTtYzJBOzeFYVee

harshvijay

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4 years ago
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1

Hey! I'm getting an error where the URL isn't found when I try and visit your link!

mikaalnaik

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4 years ago
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