Feeling guilty when not productive
I've been working on a lot of projects lately. Whenever I decide I'm going to take a break to hang out with friends or play a video game, I end up feeling guilty for not being productive. I know it's not healthy to work 24/7 and it's important to rest/recover, but how do you guys feel deal with feelings like this?
How do you want to feel instead?
That's a great question! I like to be intentional with my time so when I'm not working/resting I would like to feel like I am actually doing so.
When I try to "relax", but end up feeling guilty or anxious about it, then the whole point of relaxing is ruined. I end up feeling like I wasted time relaxing and then never actually relaxed in the first place so I didn't get any benefits from it.
I'm hoping to use some ideas/strategies in this thread to get better at that.
"I like to be intentional with my time so when I'm not working/resting I would like to feel like I am actually doing so."
Can I ask, if you will feel like you are actually resting what is going to be different compared to how it is now?
I appreciate these introspective questions!
I would say that "actual rest" gives you time to process and allows you to get back to work in a more energized/rejuvenated state than when you stopped working.
On the other hand, "guilty" rest does not prepare you to work again, but rather drains you further.
So the goal would be make time away from work energizing rather than draining.
That's what I do as I coach -- asking these kinds of questions :)
If you don't mind I would like to ask another one. I'm particularly curious about how you recognize whether it's actual rest or guilty rest. Your answer is about the results of it (being energized compared to drained further). But I also wonder how would you know in the moment which kind of rest it? Let's start you've started resting at that very moment how can you tell which one is that?
That's a great question. I think calmness of mind is good indicator.
When I feel guilty during rest my mind is usually racing and thinking about things I could be doing or criticizing what I am currently doing.
However, when I am truly resting I am in the moment of rest whatever that rest may be. Hopefully that answers your question.
I can suggest you an exercise, but feel free not to do it if it doesn't make sense or doesn't resonate with you.
Take a scale from 1 to 10, where 1 is being in the moment in the fullest way possible and 10 is when your mind racing to an extreme degree.
For a week or two, observe what's the number on scale each time you are taking a break. You can also write down the number.
But most importantly:
What do you think about such an exercise?
I think that may be a worthwhile exercise. Rather than being a curious observer, I tend to get frustrated with myself for not having that type of reaction I would like. Unfortunately that has a compounding effect.
When I overwork myself, I usually become less creative and have fewer/usually worse ideas. I try to tell myself that whenever I feel a bit of guilt when I'm not working. It's working for me but not all times. I might do some more reading as @truedrew mentioned 😀
Haha same here. It's funny the mental games we have to play with ourselves in order to frame things appropriately.
I survived a near-fatal crash in 2016 including a pretty severe brain injury. One of the impacts is a real need to rest and real consequences if I don't. Through this I have learned the brain is just like the rest of the physical body. If you went to the gym 24/7 and lifted weights you wouldn't get stronger, in fact you'd very quickly be injured. The same is true of the brain. On top of that, the downtime is often when I have good ideas that I make note of then implement later on.
All that being said, I'm often feel the same as you and it is an ongoing struggle. I am currently in the process of building some tools for myself to keep myself motivated and to remind myself rest is needed. I'm thinking simple slides (PowerPoint/Google Slides) I can swipe through reminding myself of these things is low barrier to entry but high return on smoothing out those challenges.
First off, thank goodness you're alright! I never thought of it from a working out perspective.
As a former college athlete, that makes a ton more sense. When training, people often don't realize how vital it is to give your body and muscles time to recover. I've seen athletes hit new personal records in the weight room solely because they decided to take a few days more to recover.
With that said, I agree that a process/tools is vital to making rest a part of your workflow.
I struggle with these feelings at times. Don't really have any good solutions yet - I like the idea @truedrew mentioned re: learning about the importance of breaks.
Glad this post resonates with others. It's great to see how other are solving this/have solved this in their own workflow.
It might help to read up a little on how the brain works with regards to focus/flow vs. resting/processing. I don't have a specific article recommendation unfortunately, but it's in the neuroscience field. For me, nothing besides science was going to justify not working... I thought any time spent working was productive and time not working wasn't.
I was wrong. These days, I work in short bursts... maybe 3 or 4 hours at most at a time, and I purposely take breaks doing other stuff. I plan them into my day, as a part of work basically.
After paying close attention to my productivity while I was exploring this stuff, I can definitely confirm that breaks make your work hours more productive.
Once you see that in action, it's all the motivation you'll need to not feel guilty!
Love this! I'll have to read up more on the brain aspect of it. (if anyone has any good articles let me know!)
I definitely struggle with resting and taking time to process things. I like the notion of planning breaks as part of work. That way they feel on task and like they are supporting real "work".
I think seeing it in action will be a big help.
The secret here is to track your time! Set a good goal for yourself, and once you hit that goal you can clock out and not feel guilty. I use Harvest and set weekly goals.
I think this goes along with what @truedrew said, but with the added notion of tracking your working time. Between scheduling rest time and hitting your working goals, I can foresee how that would make taking breaks feel less guilty.
I'm really surprised no one mentioned meditation. I've tried it a year ago and stopped after 1-2 month. I started again 3 weeks ago and it definitely helps me keeping negative thoughts out.
I found headspace to be a good place to start, but I also didn't try anything else yet.
I used headspace a few years ago and did find it helpful so maybe I'll give it another go.
First off, congrats on recognizing it's guilt. The first step is always just being aware of how you feel. I'm a former workaholic although I might have swung too far in the other direction now. I do have chronic illness and disabilities, so pacing myself has been really important.
I'm going to recommend a couple things that might seem generic to you but they are all research backed.
Gratitude practice, just a couple things in a journal every day. Notice how often these are things or people that are part of your rest/recover times.
Top daily goals. Again, only ~3 things from your to do list that if you finish them, you know you did what you set out to do.
Mindfulness. 5 minutes. Either just open awareness with concentration on breath or tonglen https://www.lionsroar.com/how-to-practice-tonglen/amp/ it can help with self compassion.
You could also try talking to yourself like you'd talk to a friend.
I'm not seconding the time tracking, because I think its wasting some of my limited energy on more guilt. It also doesn't recognize the fluctuations in energy we all go through. What if I had less time this week than last? What if I'm sick this week? If I'm just looking at number of hours, I'm not paying attention to how I feel. At the end of the day, for me it's about being more in tune with myself.
Thanks for bringing up such an important topic!
A lot of good stuff here! I should try talking to myself like I'd to talk to friend more often. Along with mindfulness, I think it really helps with self compassion.
Thank you for such a thorough response!
Honestly the only way I've found to stop feeling guilty resting is when I've gone 100% HARD during my work time. That way I know I've done my best and have zero qualms about taking a break; I know I've given it my all and deserve/need the break.
I definitely agree with this. Do the best you can do in the time you've allocated to work.
I felt this a bit when I started. Two things have helped me overcome it.
Firstly, I'm now working when it suits me, probably for the first time ever. I hate mornings. I feel like my brain really starts firing at around 2pm, and can keep kicking on til midnight if I'm motivated by the task. So I stay up late working after my kids are in bed. I wake up an hour later than I used to (when I had a job in the city), and I often just spend time in the morning helping get kids to school, or going for some exercise, or dealing with email or reading stuff. For a while I felt like I was being slack, often not doing any work before 10:30 or 11:00, but now I've become comfortable that I'm working when it suits my rhythms, and that's possibly the most productive thing I can do.
Secondly, I'm logging all my time. I'm doing this because, if I bring in a co-founder, I plan to use the 'Slicing Pie' equity allocation method. A side-effect, though, is that I can easily see every day and every week how many hours I've worked. Some days I'll feel like I didn't get much done, but then I'll add up the hours and see I've been at it for 9 hours. Some weeks, I'll add up the hours and it might just get over 30, and I give myself a little mental kick in the pants and make sure I don't slack off quite so much the next week.
So, hang out with your friends when they want to hang out. Play a video game if that's what you feel like doing. Figure out when you're most motivated and energised to work, and work your guts out in those times, and the rest of the time enjoy life!
Yes, I feel the same way, and I always try to prevent all these destructive thoughts about the resting, but these attempts kill the point of my relax time. So, I don't really understand how to deal with it. The only thing which I can do for myself in this situation is to give myself healthy sleep every night and give myself long weekends once in 4 month. Yes, I have to do it not to go crazy with all this pressure on me.
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