I've had enough.
Back in January 2021 right after my 29th birthday, I fell into a year-long depression. That depression manifested as every symptom you could think of. Fear, anxiety, heart palpitations, chest tightness, restless limbs, and panic attacks to name a few. Before this? Healthy as a horse.
Each day got worse. My cure? Sitting on my phone or computer doomscrolling. The longer I was online looking at the imperfections of my life and the world around me, the more I would just lay under the covers refreshing a website or app for some hope of validation. A new like, a new comment, or a new email. Something just to give me a hit of dopamine so I could continue my day as normal. I found myself addicted to the internet as my symptoms continued to worsen.
I was fighting something deep down inside me. I had one year left to accomplish all of my goals I had set as a naive 18 year old who just signed up for college. I wrote the following in a journal and kept it since:
- Get a Master's degree by 30
- Build a successful company by 30
- Be financially independent by 30
- Get married and have kids by 30
Needless to say, I accomplished only one of these things. I have a beautiful family I wouldn't trade the world for. But the others? Failure.
I signed up for a MBA and realized that the education and paper was bullshit, so I dropped out halfway.
I built 12 years worth of side projects, and never made a dollar.
I found myself building wealth through a day-job, but not enough to be financially independent and be my own boss.
A year later and still fighting, I found the storm starting to clear. I couldn't remember how I made it through, but I did. I will never really know if the storm is really over, but one thing for certain is that coming out of the storm, I am not the same person I was when I walked into it.
It felt somewhat elemental in that I couldn't put it into words, but I had this new clearly defined personal identity. Life was no longer about "me", but rather I felt a bit more at peace and bliss. I could walk outside and be amazed by the miracle of life on earth as if I had just been born again.
I no longer found myself worrying about all of the small things that kept me up at night. I gave up all sense of control that I foolishly thought I held onto. As I started to surrender, I noticed something interesting...
I started to succeed.
I didn't know how badly I needed to change. But I did.
I lived my life with the social conditioning of the modern world that I lost my sense of happiness. I looked to others to define my path of value and purpose. I kept losing myself to shoulds.
What I didn't realize was that I was on my own path of fully expressing myself. I had to turn my attention back inward. I was the only person on this hero's journey to find happiness.
Sometimes you have to say enough is enough.
I set a lot of goals just like you when I was like ~18, and I managed to accomplish most of them. And on the ones that I didn't accomplish (the later ones), I actually dodged the bullet. Phew!
One cannot make a list of goals for so long without adjusting to turn of events, the market, and, most importantly, the ever-changing self.
But I can see where you're going with this, even though it kind of kicks my soul in the nuts when I see titles/posts like this, mostly out of noticing how similar some of you are to me. lol
To be honest, I have to dodge Enough. But it will probably help a lot of people.
So thanks for taking the tougher path, Jon. Someone has to for the sake of others. You're awesome.
Thank you for the support!
"What I didn't realize was that I was on my own path of fully expressing myself. I had to turn my attention back inward. I was the only person on this hero's journey to find happiness."
Love this sentiment, Jon. To thine own self be true.
Want to throw this out there who might also be in pain and struggling. The book "Mindbody Prescription" by Dr. John Sarno changed my life as I was going through depression and in serious physical pain. It explores the connection between the mind and body and how to overcome the pain our psyche employs.
Thank you for sharing.
Interesting reference. I'm taking a look at that.
I'll have to check it out! I did read a handful of similar titles. I'm a firm believer.
"I was the only person on this hero's journey to find happiness." That's a wonderful line.
A few things I've learned in 20 years of forging my path:
the only truism is there are no truisms. Everyone has to discover their own way, there is no such thing as a perfect recipe of how to "win" in this game
you can't do it alone. You might be able to get a project off the ground and grow it alone initially... but we all need mental support. Sometimes that's coaching, sometimes that's encouragement, and sometimes that's just someone to listen.
no when to fold them. YOU are NOT your work. Western culture teaches us to identify as our work -- and that's broken. I'm thankful I've matured past the point where my focus is no longer ego or money, but rather driving impact and enjoying every day.
compassion takes courage. Sometimes it's the hardest to be compassionate to yourself. I've learned unconditional positive regard, thanks to Matt Helt (coach).
I write this as many of my friends in Ukraine are suffering immensely. We all need to keep our struggles in perspective.
If you want to contribute to a cooperative Web3 project focused on supporting the wellness of each other, please check out Pacity.xyz.
Feels like you just needed to go talk to a psychologist and get some therapy earlier tbh
Thanks for the comment. I had professional help along the way ranging from cardiologists to therapists.
Was there anything in particular someone was able to help you with, or told you that actually did contribute positively to pushing you a bit further on this journey?
I did not find many answers with professional help. The answers I got were that everything seems normal and I may just be suffering from anxiety.
What I found most useful was reading books about other people's struggles. Matt Haig for example has two wonderful books on mental health & anxiety that helped me most.
After I started to drastically limit my technology usage, say no to more things at work, and focused on my creative endeavors did I find myself on the other side of it all.
How are you now? Have you addressed someone else? Found the https://bookinghealth.com/programs/treatment/cardiology/0/germany list and thought about you. Maybe it'll be useful for you too.
Thanks. I'm doing okay. While this post may point towards some expectations I had for myself, it's very possible I was also dealing with long COVID at the same time and didn't know it.
Good for you man! Family is all you need sometimes honestly.
Absolutely. You realize just how little you actually need to get by with family.
Thanks for sharing this. I'm sure this will help a lot of other indiehackers. It's important along this journey to know that most of us go through this or similar low points. I suffered very similar this past year and am hoping I'm finally coming through the other side now. It hasn't gone according to my plan, but like you say, maybe I needed to give up the plan and just keep moving along the path that is laid out in front of me so I can get to the destination I am supposed to - not necessarily the one I thought I "should" be driving towards.
Thanks again for sharing!
Thanks for talking about this so openly!
I'm hoping it helps somebody out there in knowing they aren't alone.
But how exactly has this self-correction unfolded? Without any effort on your side? Looks like a kundalini awakening, by the way.
I've definitely put in the work for the last 4 years. I'd definitely say it's an awakening of some sorts, depending on what you believe in. Thanks for sharing the reference.
Hey man, thanks for this! I feel this sort of pressure now as my 26th bday is coming up. I am not sure where I am headed and feel like I am in limbo. Everyone speaks of how you have to make the most out of life and I agree but its that urgency that is keeping me up at night, never feeling good enough. Thanks for sharing.
No problem. Sometimes you have to take a step back to take two forward. Best of luck!
Can help you make this sales part of your side projects less of a nightmare. DM me on Twitter.
Side projects were more about losing interest than finding customers who would pay. I usually had lists of paying customers ready to go, but never would follow through. Thank you for the offer.
Sometimes you also have to listen to yourself. Sounds like you finally did :)
Thank you for listening to my story!
No problem! Anytime :)
wonderful post, thank you so much for it.
"I gave up all sense of control that I foolishly thought I held onto. As I started to surrender, I noticed something interesting..."
Do you have any examples of how and where to surrender?
I signed up for your book launch, good luck with it!
Thank you. Some examples in my case are:
I hope that helps!
Thanks for sharing. I am going through my 29th year and feeling a bit the same. In my chat with Pieter Levels we spoke about that too and he told me that after the 30s thing gets much more relaxed and the pressure is reduced. If you still want to pursue entrepreneurship in a more chilled pace you can join my WBE Space where a lot of bootstrappers are building their side projects with the goal of financial independence.
I have to listen to this because I love everything Pieter does! Awesome group you have setup, thanks for the invite.
I don't mean this to sound as negative as it does... but what is the takeaway from this? You had a year long depressive episode, said enough is enough, "surrendered" to the absurdity of life, the end? I feel like I'm missing an important component of this story.
I don't see it as negative, thanks for the comment. I think the takeaway is that there is no takeaway. That I was able to realize that there's nothing to realize and that I had everything at the beginning all along.
That's a nice realization to have!
We often underestimate how hard it is to achieve a goal and how long it takes to achieve it. I'm turning 28 this year and while my business does well, it's not even close to what I thought i'd be making by the time I was this age.
These days I'm just grateful to even participate in this great game we call entrepreneurship and business. I'm happy with the journey.
Time definitely flies. I'm with you on the gratitude side of life. Thanks for sharing.
The problem with goals you write at the age of 18... is that they were written by an 18-year old kid
I mean I would review them every year and still hold onto them. They hardly needed to change because I was actively pursuing them all.
this is interesting. i have been wanting to give up for a long time, but just can't help myself from starting some project again.
this story spoke to me. but then it became a book ad :D lol.
reminds me of the hordes of people #buildinpublic on twitter and then the succeeding product ends up being a how-to about how to get a following on twitter.
maybe i'll end up selling success also. but i know for sure that buying this book would be just another way to keep believing in the dream and not giving up. which goes opposite to the story.
I apologize in advance if the post feels like an ad. I happen to be writing a book on it regardless of if people buy it and others asked me to share more, so here I am. I do see your perspective that those who "sell their sawdust" end up finding more success.
haha, that's a great phrase. selling sawdust isn't a problem in itself.
no need to apologize. i totally wish you luck. was just opening up what was going on in my brain.
I needed this.
I'am going through pretty much what you have described right now. Last month I thought I had a heart attack because of the palpitations at night. I have a list of just the same goal you have listed. None of them reached.
My business is doing ok but I did not hold back enough to pay my taxes this year; the next few months will be tough.
I will push through. Thank you.
You've got this! Keep going!
What screws us most is how our lives should have been :) Keep hustling.
Too many shoulds! Thanks for the comment.
This comment was deleted 4 years ago
Absolutely!