Pornography & Relationships
Pornography is a touchy subject-a lot of people disagree on whether it's good or bad for relationships. A growing niche of relationships really hate the damage it has caused their relationship and are trying anything to help their addicted partners overcome this "need" and stay faithful to their partners.
As I've been talking to the partners of addiction, I've found that their #1 pain and frustration in this problem isn't actually that their partner struggles with an addiction (they see that as human weakness, and we're all human), they absolutely hate that their partner hides the truth from them about it. Addicts feel shameful for cheating on their spouses and hide it to not hurt them further (which doesn't work because they're not being honest).
One way couples combat this is with internet filtering. Brain Buddy, CovenantEyes, Disney Circle, Freedom, Net Angel, ... and many more are companies that have sprouted up to filter what the addict can access. These companies don't help the couple actually change the behavior, they just make it so inconvenient for the addict that they have to work much harder to find access to their addiction, which will hopefully slow the addict down enough to think lucidly.
As an addict myself and tech savvy guy, I use a filtering service in my relationship. My wife and I have gone to therapy and grown a lot together from it. I find it frustrating that there isn't a lot of apps or services out there specifically to help couples build trust and and accountability besides "getting caught" if the filtering service stops you. That filtering service doesn't encourage you to change, it stands over your shoulder like big brother.
Again, as an addict I know from personal experience how guilty and shameful I feel when I relapse and cheat on my wife. I know how difficult it is to shatter her reality that I'm doing okay. I'm curious to know if there is an opportunity here to help coach and teach couples accountability and communication without having to go to a therapist. Therapy was excellent, and I highly recommend it, but it's also really expensive and I'm wondering if there's another way to do it.
Any thoughts?
One solution I have been thinking about to address the pain of accountability and growth is an app. We would help addicts overcome communication barriers and build trust with accountability (since the lying their partners #1 pain) by teaching daily communication tools.
I've heard that being too hard on oneself is not great for long term commitment to the behavior change. we need to show self-compassion.
But I'm with you man, I think if humans can learn to evolve beyond some of these rather reptilian addictions we'd achieve so much more potential.
I'm curious/concerned about how much daily communication tooling there can be around this particular issue? Would love to hear more
Yes I agree. Unfortunately, being addicted to something makes you feel a lot of shame (I'm horrible, I'm a bad person... I don't deserve to be forgiven..). Guilt is also felt, but guilt is good because it's the part that of you that recognizes that you screwed up, and you can own that. Once you own it, you can change.
I think you're right that being too hard on yourself removes the motivation to change-you're never going to be good enough so why try?
I'm curious about it too, and I'm wondering if there's an opportunity here. It seems like it is.
I guess I'm willing to accept and accept anything but cheating... Although I remember forgiving cheating, too... Once, after reading the article https://signscheating.com/cheating-at-work-signs/, I began to suspect my partner of cheating. I tried in every way to put these thoughts out of my head, because I thought that everything was good in our relationship, and why spoil everything. But unfortunately, my worries turned out to be true. He cheated for three months. But even after that I forgave him until he cheated again. After he cheated again, I still left him.
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One day my girlfriend asked me what kind of porn I liked. I was confused at first because I didn't want to talk about it. But her interest got even more heated as a result she found out. She took my phone and went to a friend who hacks. And got into my history I don't clean it. So she knew that I go to different sites and she was especially interested in Foot worship London https://www.nicolebdsm.com/foot-worship-in-london/. I thought that would be the end for us. But as it turned out, it wasn't. Turns out she likes porn just like me. So our sex life became even more diverse. I can not give you guys advice on this, talk to your girlfriend about what kind of porn you like. But I can tell you for sure that it's better to try than she won't know what and how you like it.
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Wait .... is watching porn generally considered cheating on your wife? I think that assumption needs to be re-visited and communicated with your wife.
Relationships are all about communication and putting yourself in the other persons shoes. Sometimes it’s not about technology and fancy filters. It’s about negotiating what you expect out of each other and what can be realistically delivered.
Yeah that's a solid point.
In my particular relationship, we're members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and we view it as cheating, but there's a lot of relationships out there that aren't necessarily religious that also view it as cheating.
I agree that relationships require a lot of communication and empathy, and pornography inverses that-making it all about you and getting pleasure out of the other person. I'm curious to know if there's an opportunity to help relationships build habits to communicate in a healthy way-start reversing the effects that pornography inflicts on couples.
Very much not an expert on this topic but I’d say the conversation should go deeper.
Why is someone watching porn? Is it because there is something in porn that isn’t being met in real life ? Does the wife feel taboo about some acts ?
could there be a healthy balance of porn? I.e you always have to tell your wife before engaging in it?
I’m no expert on this topic. Just someone who’s had to navigate murky waters.