Roast my InMail cold contact message

Hi Peter,

The message feels genuine and I like the tone. However I think it is too long. Break it down into smaller paragraphs. Assume that the recipient is quickly checking out the message via a notification on his mobile. A lengthy message is a big turn off. Especially the added bonus section, I think it's not required.

regards,
Swami

Responding to you as well here now. Yes, I would respond to that email, this can be due to me not getting a lot of emails in general and just liking the feeling of a clean inbox.
As @anilkilic said I would change the last sentence a bit. You sound very confident in your message up until the point you say "I may be able to"
If I was a cold lead I would immediately think "may be able to? 🤔" that can set off alarm bells for some people.
Not sure how you could implement this but I read somewhere that when cold emailing one should try to use the words "I" and "me" as sparingly as possible and if they are used to use them only after first addressing the lead in the sentence.

Too long, most would just ignore the wall of text.

You want to keep your pitch concise. Try something like this:

Name, I'm seeking feedback for a product management tool.

I would love to hear your thoughts about the current tools on the market.

Let me know when suit you for a quick chat?

I think it's too long and requires too much of a commitment from someone to get a response. Maybe give them something for free instead and then engage with the ones who download. I wouldn't give someone 30 minutes of my time from a cold email unless I felt like I owed them something. I'd keep it under 4 sentences and more casual.

Try to find person email and send it via email. In my experience works much better than messages on LinkedIn.

Pete I did high ticket cold outreach for a living -- and believe me there is a lot to be changed here. if you're interested I could give you the rundown on how to get people actively wanting to talk, help, and buy your product.

my discord is: do#3695

Consider adding a calendly link to lower the friction of getting the meeting scheduled.

I think confidence is over rated in this instance. You don’t have a product, you are asking for help indirectly. Consider asking for help directly. People like helping others.

Try to add at least 1 personal sentence to every in-mail. “I see we both worked in ... at the same” the point is to show you at least explored their profile before bothering them.

You lost me at 20-30 minutes. I mean I hate jira as much as the next guy but I dont want to talk to some rando on the internet about it for that long.

My advice for your cold email. Cut down the requested time, you can always take longer if they are interested.