The Subtle Way Goals Turn into Expectations (and How I’m Trying to Stop It)
What happens when the KPIs you set for growth start defining your self-worth
.png?w=700)
When you’re building something — a startup, a product, a community — it’s easy to blur the line between goals and expectations.
You set targets, track KPIs, dream about growth.
But at some point, the goals that used to excite you start to feel… heavier.
Like if you don’t hit them, you’ve failed not just the business, but yourself.
I think that happens to a lot of us here.
We love progress, but we quietly turn goals into expectations.
And the difference between those two determines whether you stay motivated — or burnt out.
For a long time, I didn’t see a difference at all.
To me, goals and expectations were synonyms.
I’m just now realizing they aren’t.
A goal says I want to.
An expectation says I have to.
I make expectations the way other people set goals. Instead of dreaming big, I write internal contracts and build myself a cage — with success as the only key out.
Both goals and expectations can motivate people. To me, goals sound optional, playful, like “let’s see if we can pull this off.”
Instead, I live in the world of have to — and when a goal becomes an expectation, success stops feeling like excitement; it becomes relief. The kind that lasts five minutes before the next have to shows up.
It started in childhood. My house was chaotic — the kind of chaos that makes you start seeking reliability like oxygen. I learned early that I was my only guarantee, and breaking a promise felt like breaking myself.
The problem is, survival tactics don’t turn off just because the danger does — and my “core value” of being reliable might be going a little too far now.
If I say I’ll do something, I will.
Dinner plans, work deadlines, someone’s moving day — if I said yes, it’s carved in stone.
It’s not about kindness. It’s about control.
If I flake, the world feels unsafe.
That’s why I hate committing — the minute I say yes, I lose freedom.
I’ll rearrange my life to keep my word.
But it’s not about them. It’s about trusting myself.
If I can’t rely on myself, how can I rely on anyone?
Relying on myself means succeeding at everything I set my mind to.
And since goals require room for failure, I don’t really have goals anymore — just expectations.
When I took the ACT, I expected to perform well.
The first time I scored lower than the story I’d already written in my head, I felt sick.
Not because it was bad — it wasn’t — but because it didn’t match the version of me I believed in.
So I took it again, got a 34, and felt… nothing.
No fireworks, no pride — just quiet confirmation that the world hadn’t ended.
And it’s not just goals I set for myself — other people’s requests become instant obligations too.
If someone asks me for something, I assume they’re expecting it.
There’s no such thing as a casual ask in my brain.
Whether it’s helping someone pack, analyzing data for their side project, or listening to their thoughts on a lonely night, I can’t say no.
Their request instantly becomes a responsibility.
My brain hears “don’t let me down,” even when they meant “if you have time.”
The ask itself becomes a promise I’ve already made.
At work, it’s the same story.
If my phone rings, I pick up.
If I see a message at 2 a.m., I respond.
Because what if they need me?
What if I let someone down?
No one expects me to respond, but my brain tells me it’s life or death.
In relationships, it’s even messier.
I’m scared shitless of being a girlfriend because I’m terrified of falling short.
I tell my friends I can’t have a partner because I go backpacking without service and don’t want to give that up.
They ask what that has to do with relationships, and I tell them:
“What if my partner’s mom dies, he calls me, and I can’t pick up? I’d be the worst girlfriend ever.”
That’s where my brain goes — straight to catastrophe — but at least I’m self-aware enough to notice it.
And it doesn’t stop at romantic relationships — it bleeds into futures I haven’t even committed to yet.
People often ask if I want kids.
I say, “Sure — but only if my partner’s the A+ parent, so even if I’m a B, we still average out a 3.5.”
I’d probably be a better mom than the average mother — though that bar isn’t very high.
But I can’t let myself think that way.
Because if I believe I’d be good at it, then being good becomes the expectation.
And expectations don’t allow for bad days or learning curves.
I’d rather keep the bar low and surprise myself than aim high and fall short.
Expectations don’t just cage me in the present — they lock me out of futures I haven’t even tried.
The irony is, working in startups, I live by completely different rules.
I preach the “fail fast” gospel.
You can’t build anything new without breaking a few versions first.
I can handle that kind of failure easily. If a project tanks, I just say “it was a learning sprint” and move on.
Because to me, that’s not my failure — it’s the project’s.
There are a million variables I can’t control: market timing, luck, other people’s decisions.
But when it comes to myself? I’m the only variable.
I know what I’m capable of. I’ve proven it over and over.
Which means if I don’t achieve something, there’s only one explanation: I didn’t try hard enough. Or I’m not who I thought I was.
Startups get to be prototypes. I don’t.
At work, I celebrate the mess.
In life, I fear it.
And I don’t know how to let those two versions of me shake hands.
So I’m trying an experiment and building a nonprofit, ShareSkippy.
I tell myself I don’t care if it succeeds — I just want to learn and have fun.
But I’ve noticed I can’t say that without immediately wondering if needing to have fun is becoming the new expectation.
I’m still figuring out how to work hard and celebrate wins — how to measure success without making it survival.
I don’t actually know how to do that yet.
I just know I’m tired of building cages and calling it ambition.
What about you?
When you’re building, how do you set goals without turning them into expectations?
How do you push hard without making achievement feel like survival?
If you’ve figured it out, I’m listening.
If you liked this blog please follow me: https://medium.com/@kcolban
"I can totally relate to this! Turning goals into expectations often creates unnecessary pressure. I've found that when I focus on the journey rather than just the outcome, it feels a lot less stressful. I’m also learning to embrace failure as part of the process, especially in my own work. It’s tough but so important to let go of that ‘have to’ mindset. Looking forward to hearing more about how ShareSkippy turns out!"
I love the parallel you drew between startups and self-development. I’ve noticed the same split in myself. I’m fine with treating projects as experiments, but I expect perfection from myself.
very insightful
Damn, this hit way too close. Especially the part about “success becoming relief.” I’ve felt that exact emptiness after hitting goals that were supposed to feel amazing.
For me, what helped a bit was reframing goals as experiments — like “let’s see what happens if I try this” instead of “I have to make this work.” Still struggle with it though. It’s crazy how easy it is to build pressure out of something that used to be joy.
Thanks for writing this. It’s weirdly comforting to see someone put into words what so many of us quietly deal with.
Yes I think I’ve been doing the same “let’s see what happens” thinking but I haven’t been able to clearly verbalize it to myself in that way so your comment really hit home for me too!
Honestly, all goals I set turn into expectations, and while I know it's not healthy, it is hard to not do. Whenever I start a project, I obsess over and it becomes the only thing I think about ever, it may even get to me staying up to 5 AM programming and waking up at 12 PM to do it all over again. I have been working to be more confident in myself and being happy with whatever results I get. Not comparing myself with others too has been something I have been trying to work on. So I don't have an answer, per se, other than that it is a battle within one's self we try every day to win.
thanks :) self confidence is so important and I hope you continue building it!
Man, I really felt this. The fact that you’re aware of it already puts you ahead most people don’t even notice that “expectation trap.” I’ve worked with people in a similar cycle while building projects and helped them structure it in a way that keeps the passion but removes the burnout. Keep going, you’re closer than you think
Thanks :)
I keep telling myself self awareness is the first step but sometime the awareness just makes me feel even more screwed up since I recognize all my suboptimal thoughts
This really hit me. I’ve noticed the same thing — the moment a personal goal turns into an expectation, it starts to feel like pressure instead of motivation. I’ve been trying to focus more on consistency and self-reflection instead of chasing outcomes.
Love that!
If someone wants to grow their business, like a US-based company that makes custom apps and websites for startups and small businesses, how can they start working in countries like Japan or the Middle East? Really want to understand what steps can help to enter these markets and connect with local people or small companies. Other than using LinkedIn or email, are there better ways to find local partners, build trust, or get noticed by startups there?
Hi everyone! I’m Waqas, a tech enthusiast and blogger at tech.
I write about SEO, blogging, and the latest tech tools that help digital creators grow.
Excited to learn and share ideas with this amazing community!
nice
thanks
Hello everyone 👋
My name is Alaa, and I’m currently working on a personal project — an AI voice chatbot using Unreal Engine and Inworld AI.
I already have the basic concept and some assets, but I’m looking for a kind developer who could help me with the coding part or guide me step-by-step with the integration (especially the voice and animation parts).
It’s a personal, non-commercial project. I’m not looking to pay anyone — just hoping to find someone who loves AI and wants to collaborate or share their knowledge.
Thank you so much for reading this 🙏
Any help or advice would mean a lot to me ❤️
— Alaa
I liked it, great, thanks for the efforts
thanks
Wow, that really resonates. It’s crazy how something meant to guide progress can quietly turn into a source of stress or self-judgment. I’ve been there too — chasing numbers until they start feeling personal. Definitely interested to hear how you’re learning to separate the two.
Oof, this hits hard — it’s so easy to blur the line between ambition and pressure. I’ve definitely felt that shift where goals stop motivating and start weighing you down. Really curious to hear how you’re approaching that balance — sounds like an important reflection.
HOW I RECOVER $850 FROM FAKE INVESTMENT BROKERS ONLINE
I'm grateful to THE HACK ANGELS RECOVERY EXPERT for helping me recover my stolen Bitcoin. After losing funds to a fake platform, I felt hopeless. I am deeply grateful for their support. If you have fallen victim to a Bitcoin scam or any other form of cryptocurrency fraud, don't give up. Reach out. THE HACK ANGELS RECOVERY EXPERT Contact:
WhatsApp (+1(520)200-2320
If you're in London, you can even visit them in person at their office located at 45-46 Red Lion Street, London WC1R 4PF, UK.
Reading this, I felt a lot of what you describe, when goals quietly shift into expectations, the pressure starts choking out joy. With Vettio, we faced that too: when we were pushing for user growth and not hitting exactly what we hoped, it felt like we were failing ourselves more than the product.
One thing that helped was reframing metrics as experiments, not survival. We’d say: “Let’s try this feature, if it sticks and adds value, great. If not, we learn and iterate.” That saved our sanity.
Curious, how do you balance ambition without turning every goal into a cage you can’t break out of?
very insightful read. I have done the exact thing a number of times and it took a while to realise that things change and things are malleable and we can't entirely predict what will happen so its wise to enjoy the journey whilst we are at it. :)
This is such an insightful read! It’s so true how easily our goals can turn into silent expectations that drain the joy out of the process. I’ve noticed the same thing even in gaming communities — like when players set big targets in Car Parking Multiplayer/carsparkingapk they sometimes forget to enjoy the actual experience of playing and improving. Thanks for the reminder to slow down and appreciate progress instead of just chasing outcomes. use this
This is a really insightful read. It's so easy to let goals become expectations and then feel crushed when you don't meet them. I've definitely fallen into that trap before. Shifting the focus to the process and enjoying the journey is something I'm working on too. Thanks for sharing!
This really resonated with me especially the part about goals turning into cages we build ourselves. It’s wild how easily I want to becomes or I have to. Your honesty about linking self-worth to achievement is refreshing and deeply relatable. Thanks for putting this into words so many of us feel but can’t explain.
This is such a relatable insight. Goals so easily slip into expectations, and the pressure takes away joy. I’m trying to stay present and enjoy the effort more than the outcome. Thanks for writing this — it’s a good reminder to balance ambition and self-compassion.
Really liked this post — the part about goals quietly turning into expectations hit me hard.
I’ve noticed the same thing when working on my own projects: I start with curiosity and excitement, and somewhere along the way it becomes pressure to “prove” something.
What helps a bit is reframing some goals as experiments — if it works, great; if not, I still learned something.
Curious how others here manage to stay focused without turning progress into stress?
The only things we have control over, really, is ourselves. I feel that
Sigh... I feel that. I’ve also had moments where trying to do my best turned into trying to prove my worth. Lately I’m learning that showing up, even imperfectly, still counts.
You’re not alone in trying to balance building with just being human.❤️
This comment was deleted 5 days ago